December 2011
1 post
5 tags
August 2009
1 post
I loved my Darling dad. He made sure that I lived the high life, along with his family. In 2007, I was even named “Chief mouser to the cabinet office.” Such an honour, particularly if you come from a species that is seen as highly ironic and judging, but not very clever.
Before I died, five days ago, I was kicked out of Downing Street because the Prime Minister took a dislike to me.
...
May 2009
29 posts
I was once the leader of a wonderful, new country. It was a really hard job, leading this nation, but I was very dedicated to the cause. I had some troubles; mostly due to trying to better this place for all, not just some. I was kinda depressed a lot and I was super tall, which made buying clothes and hats, that looked good on me, kinda hard.
I went to a play, to relax and have a laugh with my...
My husband was way ahead of his time, if looked at from today’s perspective. He left his kingdom to our daughters. But after his death, Rome ignored his will. The nobles in our land were enslaved, I was flogged, my daughters raped. I escaped and rallied my people. We slaughtered and tortured the people who had mistreated us so.
We were defeated when the families of our soldiers were...
Another by kelsium (I am lacking inspiration today...
I got married young to a man I idolized for his political beliefs. When he was arrested for dissent I believed him to be dead and fled the country for Paris. There, I met another man to whom I became greatly attached. The day we were supposed to meet in the train station to run away together, I found out that my husband was still alive and needed my help, so I could not leave on the train. Then,...
By Kelsium (two thumbs up!)
I advocated for the education and natural rights of women in the eighteenth century. I wrote a history of the French revolution, novels, and even a children’s book, all of which were pretty well received. Then I died in horrific pain because some idiot doctor delivered my kid-who turned out to be a pretty cool author herself, though I wasn’t around to see it-without washing his...
By haguenite
I was the nephew of the renowned Princess Elisabeth. When she travelled, people would pour out of their houses, wave their handkerchief and cry “VIVA LA MAMA!”
When I travelled I was gunned down because my assassin had gone to get a sandwich and just happened to exit the shop RIGHT as I passed it. Talk about coincidences! I told my buddies and wife that “it [was] nothing” but they wouldn’t...
By haguenite
I invented the internet. Then I was cheated out of becoming the next POTUS. Now I’m known for an elaborate PowerPoint presentation. FML
By rosasparks
i wrote thousands of poems, several novels and a bunch of plays. i tried to revolutionize poetry and its structure and yet no one remembers anything i wrote. all anyone remembers is that i don’t like upper case letters. fml.
By rosasparks
So, my wife got pregnant by some other dude, but if I call him out, he’ll smite me, my son can do no wrong and won’t take over the family’s contracting business, and whenever I show up in plays, I’m always played by the kid in class who can’t speak his lines and they wrap a beach towel around his head. FML.
By rosasparks
I’m a very accomplished attorney and professor of law. However, I became famous for testifying in front of a bunch of white dudes intent on humiliating me, for telling the truth. In fact, most people know my name because I told the world that my previous boss liked to joke about people putting pubic hair on Coke cans. FML.
By bmichael
Today, I was in a parade in Dallas when the CIA assassinated me. The CIA works for me. FML.
By rosasparks
So, I had a really bad job and employer. They treated me like crap and made me and my family work hard, on their farm, all the time, without paying us. They would even threaten to kill us if we tried to leave to find better jobs.
One day, when I was sent to town to buy supplies, I met another dude, who kinda looked like me, but he looked really upset. His boss was yelling at him to stop, so threw...
By bingoparaphernalia
It rained on my wedding day and there was a black fly in my chardonnay. FML.
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By bmichael
Today, my wife killed herself. I have a feeling someday a Web 2.0 blogging platform will be proliferated with platitudinous quotes from her journals. I will be forced to edit her journals. FML.
By fresherhells
I woke one morning from uneasy dreams to find myself transformed in my bed into a gigantic insect. My family freaked out and locked me in my bedroom. Dying of loneliness, I tried to run into the living room one night when I heard my sister playing the violin, but my father started yelling, “Get the fuck out of here! Do you want me to go and trash your lights? Do you want me to fucking trash them?...
By rosasparks
I was from a very provincial town but had pretty progressive parents. I took an interest in politics and social issues when I was little. When I got older, I started hearing voices, which were directing my country to do stuff to the mean people who were fucking up my country. No one would listen to me, but I kept at it, trying to tell them about all the stuff I kept hearing and seeing. It helped I...
By minou
I was a jew, and although my friends arranged for me to join them in the United States, I intially refused because I felt that to leave Europe would be to give up, and that I needed to stay to be true to the critical theory that I had spent my career developing. Finally, it became evident that I could no longer remain in Europe. I set out from France to Spain in order to board a ship to the US...
By tigerbeatdown
I kept to myself, pretty much. People thought I was weird. Maybe they were right. Nevertheless, I wrote poems that radically changed the game in terms of what meter and rhyme could do. I sent them to a popular critic at the time, and he completely did not get them, and wrote me lots of condescending letters about how I needed to “improve” the meter, rhyme, etc. THANKS, DUDE. Anyway, I became...
By minou
“I was an anxious child and chose a career as a poet instead of following my father into the candy manufacturing business. Although I loathed my own homosexuality and engaged in self-destructive affairs, even in my ravaged alcoholic state I was able to produce one of the most powerful American long poems of the 20th century. At the age of 33, I crossed the Gulf of Mexico on a ship. Midway through...
By tigerbeatdown (epic!)
I was a pretty popular kid: had a reputation for being the girl who made out with everyone and did crazy stuff at parties, you know the drill. Anyway, I hit it off with this cute guy, who wrote some pretty great short stories, although… well, I’ll tell you about those later. We got married, and discovered that we were both quite fond of getting crunk. So, we got crunk, a LOT, this guy and I, and...
By rosasparks
My sister and I were from a prominent and intellectual family. I caught the eye of a impetuous and impulsive man, who refused to take no for an answer. He went after my sister and when he couldn’t have her, he went after me. I wanted nothing to do with his ass, since he was a total douchebag and had STD’s. He eventually grew on me, due to his insistent nature. His persistent changing of laws and...
By enjoli
I had a fling with a prominent beat poet and some of my friends thought I was brilliant writer as well, but I flung myself through a closed window at the age of 28 and died in obscurity. My parents burnt most of my writing. All that remains were the manuscripts I left at my best friend’s house. FML.
By haguenite
I got married because that’s what you do. When my daughter was born I got postpartum depression, but no one knew about that back then. My husband sent me to Dr. Weir, whose treatment resulted in me crawling into the attic and hiding myself. I divorced my husband and gave him our daughter and everyone hated me for it. Then I told my fellow feminists that universal suffrage was not a panacea and...
By rosasparks
When I was a young woman, I married and started a family. I started a family business, a photographic studio, with my new husband, but realized I wanted to do a lot more. I eventually divorced him, raising my children alone, and took pictures of the people that interested me; twins, circus freaks and lonely people. For years, I suffered from massive depression and died after I slashed myself and...
By rosasparks
I became a lawyer and later a symbol for peace around the world. I fought for my country’s independence from Britain and for equal rights for all. I stood for non-violent protest and activism. I was shot and killed walking down the street, minding my own business. FML.
By haguenite
My mother was one of the world’s most well-known feminists. She wrote of our kick-ass travels through Scandinavia. When she died after giving birth to my half-sister, my intellectualist stepfather couldn’t deal. I was never loved. When I was older, I read how my mother fretted about me being a girl. Finally I succeeded in drowning myself. FML
By rosasparks
I worked my ass off, all day at work, then headed to the bus station to catch my bus home. I got on the bus, took my seat and waited to depart. The bus driver told me my kind couldn’t sit at the front and to take my seat in the back of the bus. I refused, citing my exhaustion and that I was no different than any other person riding the bus. I was arrested and put in jail. FML.
By haguenite
Spent a number of years pining after the cutest boy ever in very close quarters only to have some asshole betray our families. Then I died of typhoid three weeks before the liberation of Bergen-Belsen. FML
The ones that started it all: by noonish
“The other day I was trying to get all my friends for dinner and I ended up having to feed them both my blood and my body. One of them betrayed me now I am hung in between two thieves for apparently trying to be King of the Jews. Thanks Dad, FML.”
“Tried to go to the White people highschool today. They were literally all racist and I had to have cops escort me to my classes. FML.”
“Tried to get...