FMLs of Historically Significant People

I loved my Darling dad. He made sure that I lived the high life, along with his family. In 2007, I was even named “Chief mouser to the cabinet office.” Such an honour, particularly if you come from a species that is seen as highly ironic and judging, but not very clever.

Before I died, five days ago, I was kicked out of Downing Street because the Prime Minister took a dislike to me.

FML.

I was once the leader of a wonderful, new country. It was a really hard job, leading this nation, but I was very dedicated to the cause. I had some troubles; mostly due to trying to better this place for all, not just some. I was kinda depressed a lot and I was super tall, which made buying clothes and hats, that looked good on me, kinda hard.

I went to a play, to relax and have a laugh with my friends and wife. The play was awfully stupid, but a good distraction from all the crap I was dealing with at my job. I was shot in the head by a crazy actor who looked similar to Jason Lee on My Name is Earl. FML.

My husband was way ahead of his time, if looked at from today’s perspective. He left his kingdom to our daughters. But after his death, Rome ignored his will. The nobles in our land were enslaved, I was flogged, my daughters raped. I escaped and rallied my people. We slaughtered and tortured the people who had mistreated us so.

We were defeated when the families of our soldiers were attacked and killed. Some people say I fell ill and died, but really I poisoned myself because I refused to fall into the hands of those animals again. I led the biggest, most successful and most threatening rebellion in Roman Britain, and Bede didn’t even mention me in his Ecclesiastical History of the English people. FML.

Another by kelsium (I am lacking inspiration today myself!)

I got married young to a man I idolized for his political beliefs. When he was arrested for dissent I believed him to be dead and fled the country for Paris. There, I met another man to whom I became greatly attached. The day we were supposed to meet in the train station to run away together, I found out that my husband was still alive and needed my help, so I could not leave on the train.
Then, a few years later, when I finally managed to nurse my husband back to health, we escaped France for this hellhole in the desert where someone said we could get travel papers. Then, who should I meet there but the dude from Paris! And guess who has the travel papers I need to save my husband! Yup, same dude. FML.

(Colour me intrigued!)

By Kelsium (two thumbs up!)

I advocated for the education and natural rights of women in the eighteenth century. I wrote a history of the French revolution, novels, and even a children’s book, all of which were pretty well received. Then I died in horrific pain because some idiot doctor delivered my kid-who turned out to be a pretty cool author herself, though I wasn’t around to see it-without washing his fricken’ hands. THEN my husband wrote this book about my life that he thought was totally awesome, but pretty much trashed my reputation for the next HUNDRED AND FIFTY YEARS. FML.

(The mother of one of our earlier FMLs!)

By haguenite

I was the nephew of the renowned Princess Elisabeth. When she travelled, people would pour out of their houses, wave their handkerchief and cry “VIVA LA MAMA!”

When I travelled I was gunned down because my assassin had gone to get a sandwich and just happened to exit the shop RIGHT as I passed it. Talk about coincidences! I told my buddies and wife that “it [was] nothing” but they wouldn’t listen. I died and started the First World War. FML.

By haguenite

I invented the internet. Then I was cheated out of becoming the next POTUS. Now I’m known for an elaborate PowerPoint presentation. FML

By rosasparks

i wrote thousands of poems, several novels and a bunch of plays. i tried to revolutionize poetry and its structure and yet no one remembers anything i wrote. all anyone remembers is that i don’t like upper case letters. fml. 

By rosasparks

So, my wife got pregnant by some other dude, but if I call him out, he’ll smite me, my son can do no wrong and won’t take over the family’s contracting business, and whenever I show up in plays, I’m always played by the kid in class who can’t speak his lines and they wrap a beach towel around his head. FML.

By rosasparks

I’m a very accomplished attorney and professor of law. However, I became famous for testifying in front of a bunch of white dudes intent on humiliating me, for telling the truth. In fact, most people know my name because I told the world that my previous boss liked to joke about people putting pubic hair on Coke cans. FML.

By bmichael

Today, I was in a parade in Dallas when the CIA assassinated me. The CIA works for me. FML.

By rosasparks

So, I had a really bad job and employer. They treated me like crap and made me and my family work hard, on their farm, all the time, without paying us. They would even threaten to kill us if we tried to leave to find better jobs.

One day, when I was sent to town to buy supplies, I met another dude, who kinda looked like me, but he looked really upset. His boss was yelling at him to stop, so threw an iron or something to stop him, but it missed him and hit me in the head. My magic Afro saved me, but gave me a super-bad headache and they sent me home, without seeing a doctor. After that, I started hearing and seeing stuff, all the time.

I got married to a guy who had a much better sitch than me, but I couldn’t get out of my old job. Eventually, I had a bunch of kids but couldn’t get out of my shitty job thing, so just ran for it, looking for better work. I would just run all night, picking up folks like me, telling them there were better jobs north. We would hide from all the bad people coming after us during the day and then travel at night.

We got to the new place, got better jobs and hooked back up with our families. Then, all these people wanted to know how I was able to travel so long and far without passing out. I didn’t really know, but started telling my story to people far and wide. I became super good friends with this other dude who had hair weirder than me, but was super smart and other dudes who worked for the government. Later on, I started campaigning with a bunch of nice ladies who just wanted to vote, just like dudes.

A bunch of cool people let me buy a nice plot of land to hang out with my family and have my farm. I kept having really bad headaches all the time and one day and they gave me brain surgery without anaesthesia. The headaches stopped but then I caught pneumonia because I had a huge, gaping wound at the back of my head, and then I died. FML.

By bingoparaphernalia

It rained on my wedding day and there was a black fly in my chardonnay. FML.
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By bmichael

Today, my wife killed herself. I have a feeling someday a Web 2.0 blogging platform will be proliferated with platitudinous quotes from her journals. I will be forced to edit her journals. FML.

By fresherhells

I woke one morning from uneasy dreams to find myself transformed in my bed into a gigantic insect. My family freaked out and locked me in my bedroom. Dying of loneliness, I tried to run into the living room one night when I heard my sister playing the violin, but my father started yelling, “Get the fuck out of here! Do you want me to go and trash your lights? Do you want me to fucking trash them? Then why are you trashing my scene?!” and started throwing apples at me. He chased me back to my bedroom and it was clear that me & them were fucking done, domestically. One of the apples got stuck in my back and I died partly from the infection, but mostly from alienation, my inarticulate yearnings, and as a reaction against bourgeois society and its demands. FML.